Not feeling well today

I was not feeling well today, but I was so busy at work that I basically stayed all day and only cme home a little early.  We were planning to go to a Cloverdayle show tonight in Vancouver, but I wasn't feeling well enough.  I was disappointed to miss it.

Last night, I read a quote by Martin Luther King Jr.about suffering that touched me.  He said, "Christianity has always insisted that the cross we bear precedes the crown we wear.  To be a Christian one must take up his cross, with all its difficulties and agonizing and tension-packed content, and carry it until that very cross leaves its mark upon us and redeems us to that more excellent way which comes only through suffering."  I am bearing this cross in order to wear a crown in Heaven later on.

My friend, Sue, sent me Isaiah 61:3.  "to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.  They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."  What a comforting thought that God can make beauty from ashes.

Strength

Everyone says I am a fighter.  Everyone says that I am a strong woman.  Most days I see myself as that woman, but some days I don't want to be her.  Most days I just want someone to tell me that it's all been a horrible mistake and I really don't have cancer.  Most days I am so thankful for work because I have something else to focus on besides my health.  I am over analyzing every little symptom and worrying that it is a sign of something serious when it turns out to be simple heartburn.

I am deeply indebted to Melissa.  She has appointed herself my personal assistant and has been absolutely amazing in all of this.  She's been to every one of my doctors appointments and has stayed through both chemo treatments.  She and Chris brought us Easter dinner.  She reminds me of little details that I would likely forget if it weren't for her.  I can only pray that I would be the kind of friend to her that she has been to me if the tables were turned.

Erin, thanks for following my blog!  Melissa talks about you all of the time.  I'm glad she has you for a friend and prayer warrior.

Hair revisited

Everyone has been really wonderful about the fact that I am bald.  I wore a ball cap yesterday and a scarf today.  Everybody has been very complimentary.  I also found out that my leg hair and armpit hair will fall out, too!  What a bonus!  No shaving for awhile.  I'm feeling better each day since chemo.

Hair

Today I got my head shaved.  My hair was falling out by the handful, so it seemed like a logical choice.  My hairdresser, Sue, shaved it for me.  She said she would have been peeved if I did not ask her for help.  I will eventually get used to how I look without hair.  And the great thing about hair is that it grows back.  I have a couple of wigs, a couple of  baseball caps and some scarves.  My biggest concern is that other people will treat me differently because I don't have hair.  I'm still myself, just follically challenged.  I will try to make it as easy on others as possible, but I can't help it if they feel weird.

It's real

It took my hair falling out to make cancer real.  Ever since I was diagnosed a little over a month ago, it hasn't really seemed like I have cancer.  Even with all of the procedures I have gone through since then.  Even after having a port-o-cath inserted.  Even after two chemotherapy sessions.  Now that I face being bald, I realize that I really do have cancer.  I am finally scared.  I'm scared of what the next 4 or 5 months hold.  I am scared of more chemo treatments and the side effects that will accompany them.  I am scared of surgery and all that will entail.  I am scared of losing my hair.

I am, however, blessed with people who have gone before.  My medical team is incredible.  I have a colleague at work who is a 6 year survivor.  I know someone who has just finished going through chemo, surgery and radiation.  I have a HUGE support system.  People deal with this every day.  I am no different from them.  But, right now, I am scared.